Thursday, January 3, 2013

MtR: jealousy

Then God spoke all these words:
I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the place of slavery.
Do not have other gods besides Me.
Do not make an idol for yourself, whether in the shape of anything in the heavens above or on the earth below or in the waters under the earth. You must not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the fathers’ sin, to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing faithful love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commands.
Exodus 20:1-6
I was not prepared for it.  Had no idea the fierceness with which it came forth was possible.  It overwhelmed me...consumed me without hesitation.
Jealousy.
The anticipatory fear of losing something one has to someone else. -Alia Hoyt
Yes.  Brewing up inside of me. Wanting to erupt.  Clouding my thinking.  Leading to conclusions that may or may not be truth.  Leaving me empty.  Stealing my joy.
A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy.  -John 10:10 KJV 
I busied myself in order to try and not think about it.  It was still lingering close, so that when given the chance it reared its ugly head again as I saw it all over again in my mind's eye.  Confusion over words previously shared set in deep.  I felt as if I had been lied to.  Did my feelings matter?  Apparently not. 
Sleep finally came only to give way to those same feelings once awake again.  Hours had passed, but it seemed the same as when the first gut wrenching feeling hit me.  
Knowing I could not hold onto this any longer, I went to the One who knows me best.  The only One who could help me.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Romans 8:35,37 NIV
Confession.  Tears.  Cries for help.
A reminder of a great God's love for me was the answer.
As I reached for my devotional, with a fevor like someone who needed to draw their next breath, I was met with the very hand of God leading me to His Word...His Truth.
I heard His voice saying to me, "This feeling of jealousy you have...it's the same jealousy I have for you."
I knew and understood.
“Even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.” Joel 2:12 NIV
Through my meanderings, I had lost sight of my First Love.  I allowed other things to have my devotion and attention.  He is drawing me back.  Opening His arms for me to return to Him.  Asking me to acknowledge His authority over me.  To accept it.  To thrive in and under it.
What feelings I had were minor in comparison of His.  He used my current situation, brought on by my own free will, to show me His goodness.  In His light, my darkness lessened.  I saw more clearly my sin...fear, doubt, misplaced affection.  Combined, they all led to the overwhelming jealousy that had consumed me just hours before.
The cloud began to lift with each verse I read.
God is enough.  He is the only One who can satisfy.
I cannot lose something that is not mine to begin with.
Who says I'm losing it anyway?  There was a promise made.  I trust it will be upheld.
Satisfy us in the morning with Your faithful love
so that we may shout with joy and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:14
What a remarkable God moment!  
The moment when He answered my call and I heard Him loud and clear.

1 comment:

  1. Janet Rose...You said this so well.

    What better time than in the new year to grow closer to our Lord...to surrender to His call. To give up the things that keep us from Him!

    To find those remarkable "God Moments!"

    Love, Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

    ReplyDelete