Sunday, February 9, 2014

Where I am...

“I don’t know where I am going, but I am on my way.”
~ Voltaire

Spiritually...
I am holding on.  
A recent thought...what good is faith if it is never tested? 
I have had a couple of conversations this past week on David's psalms; I totally get how he can be so all over the place in just a matter of a few of verses. 
There is a hurdle before me and it seems insurmountable.  I do not feel alone.  I do not feel abandoned by God.  Nothing like this at all.  It is more of a question of how do I do anything more than just hold on?  My belief that God is good is not in question.  It is not a question of anything about God at all, but one of me. How do I make known His goodness, faithfulness, and grace to others when it is all I can do some moments to just hold on to Him?  When words will not come without tears?  When the battle between what I know and believe rages against feelings I cannot trust?  When the joy I have is shadowed by circumstances? When I am not myself...and I do not know who that is at the moment?  When I tire of being asked how I am but I am grateful people keep asking?  
God has been so good.  His provisions of mercy and grace are never ceasing.  The awesome thing is that He has always been good.  Before October He was good.  During radiation now He is good.  March and beyond He will be good.  The same is true about His faithfulness to keep His promises, to provide for His children, and to love unconditionally.
Socially...
I am becoming a recluse.  Not because I desire to, but for self-preservation.  It is easier to type characters to form words than it is to speak words.  Computer keys do not shed tears at the drop of a hat.  I have to get out each day and this is a good thing.  I am sure my radiology technicians are wondering if I ever talk.  I find comfort in being home, in our office/schoolroom, and at the Y.  I feel normal at these places.  Life is "normal" here in these comfort zones.  Outside of these places I feel out of place.  Like life is suspended for me while everyone else's goes on as usual.  I am out of the loop...and do not know how to get back in or if I am supposed to.  Good grief, I have not even been to Walmart in weeks.  Weeks, people!  
Psychologically...
I have hit the proverbial "brick wall".  
Things I know in my mind to be true are still true.  I still believe them. 
However...
Feelings arise and descend like the sun on a winter day.  Up and back down again before you know what happened.  I know better than to trust them, but I experience them nonetheless.  They come if I want to feel anything or not.  Out of the blue sometimes...most of the time.
This is going to be comical to those who know me best, but mornings are my best time.  I am pretty good until my radiation appointments at 2:15.  That brick wall hurts each time I hit it.  I do not see a way around it, over it, or under it...I just keep hitting it.  A friend told me it will get better.  I trust her...she's been where I am.
Physically...
I have never been better.  Ever.  In my entire life. 
Sure, I am easily tired.  Asleep often these days by 9 something at night.  Feeling some soreness from the radiation already (after just 4 treatments I had already experienced some side effects which concerned my radiation oncologist).
But I am stronger.  I am feeling better.  I am looking better...even though I "sure do have a lot of hair" (whatever that was supposed to mean).  
I am good.  I am craving things like Greek yogurt and fruit and bacon and other proteins instead of sugars and carbohydrates.  Did I mention bacon???  I could eat bacon every. single. day.  Seriously, I could. Thankfully, I do not.  I drink water.  I like my decaf black.  I do not splurge on hot cocoa with mini marshmallows as often as I used to during winter.  I workout in some fashion every day...even when traveling.  Eight months ago I began a journey unrelated to breast cancer and it has been the highlight of these past few months to say that it has continued to go well.  I did get scolded for losing a couple of pounds during my doctor day this past Monday.  I just shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I work out."  What more could I say?  I did something to my knee on Tuesday...what I did, I am not sure, but it happened while doing squats.  Swelling comes and goes.  No pain, thankfully.
Radiation-ally...
9 down, 21 to go.  
They have not gone fast.  It still seems like forever.  I feel captive.
But, I have a great plan for when it ends. :) 
Stay tuned.

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